Breathe
Don’t hold it in too long,
that breath
that fear
Every worried thought
that sits inside
unexhaled
becomes a weight
heavier
than any virus
Breathe
deep belly
to diaphragm
Round it out
like a baby
laughing
and finding
her feet
for the first time
Don’t hold anything
past one full
in and exhale
and breathe
right through loss
and love again
Past Any Season
Autumn is everything-colored
except black and white,
magenta, dark purple,
orange and red and gold,
every shade ever seen in gardens
If we were leaves
would we love each other
far past youthful green
into the fallen months
of rusty brown?
Would we remember each other
long after we lay
on mossy ground,
slowly darkening
into earth again?
Every autumn I picture you
playing in the fallen leaf piles,
throwing them sky high
and laughing
past any season
Not Broken
I’ve heard therapists say it about their clients, friends say it about their friends, casual acquaintances mention it regarding someone who’s going through a hard time. And every time I hear, “He’s broken, she’s broken, they’re broken,” I wince. Why? Because broken is a label that dehumanizes, that treats people as if they are machines. Every time I hear this phrase, I picture a person broken down by the side of the road with others walking by glad that it’s not them. And yes, there is a patronizing quality in, “She’s broken,” as if the person saying it is better, more whole, not as prone to the dings and pains of being human.
Being “broken,” implies that we need fixing, usually by something or someone else. And we all do need help sometimes. But if you go out there and break a leg, usually the doctor puts it in a cast, recommends rest and elevation, and tells you it will heal in about six weeks. Your leg may be broken, but no one suggests that you are. We humans have this amazing innate ability to heal, given the right support, education, and encouragement.
Being broken also implies that something doesn’t work, that you don’t work, and in a capitalist society, not working is the ultimate sin. We categorize people by whether they have a “good job,” or not, usually one that pays well, rather than one that brings joy and a sense of service and purpose. People who are not working for money at all, like stay-at-home parents, are considered less powerful in this society. If your life is “not working,” if you are unable to conform, you are considered less valuable as a human being.
Labeling someone, “broken,” puts them in a category of “the other,” and it’s a lot easier to ignore, dismiss, and incarcerate “broken others.” So, no, you’re not broken. You may be going through utter hell, you may have scars from physical injury, emotional trauma, or be grieving the fate of mankind, but you’re not broken, you’re human.
Rituals
For the dead,
we swallow past
the lump in our throats
We stand up to speak
in the face of those
whose misery matches ours
We struggle for words
to share our hearts
and our loss
Birth and death dates
are inscribed in newspaper articles
or etched on stone
to become part of a story
of a life that no one
wholly knows
Most of us only meet
in the middle, missing
the birth or maybe the final moment
And every day
and some day
each person here
will have to grieve
the dead or be grieved
by the living
Year after decade
we mourn
and remember
Our rituals for the dead
become love
honoring love
All Things
Death gives this gift,
the tender ache of knowing
we hold nothing forever
and the beauty in longing,
the exquisite grace
where you once were
opens in every new laugh in the sun,
the cherishment
of flowers and friends
Everything dissolves into tomorrow,
re-lived by memory,
loved infinitely
as all things fall to ground
Gotta
Gotta hand it to you mothers
you can clean up poop
and pee and barf and still smile
and love your kid like
forever,
like a miraculous flower
never knowing how it will bloom
You don’t feel like you’re “babysitting,”
or having to “watch the kid,”
no, no trying on a role for you
it’s the real deal
until death and even after,
that small body full
of every hope you ever had for the future
Your mothering hands soothe the heart,
your gaze sees every bit of kid,
every fault and crack line
and loves right into the abyss
and beyond,
you mothers
gotta hand it to you
Used To
I’ve heard people say
you can get used to anything
if you wait long enough
like the hole in the place
where a mind once
thought like yours
or the bare spot
where a tree used to stand
smiling its fruit up
or the cold empty
where warmth once pulsed
between two friends
or the exciting ideas
that have fallen down
and can’t get up
I don’t know if it’s worse
to never get used to anything
that hurts
or to get used to the missing
when someone or something
no longer is
Leaps and Boundaries
Sometimes we simply have to shore up our boundaries and say “no” to people, places, and situations that bring us pain. Though seemingly insignificant, the appropriate use of that tiny, two letter word of negation can completely change our lives. If we decline to spend time with people who harm us, or with whom we are not at all compatible, or in jobs or living situations that diminish us, then we have more energy for experiences that bring us creative inspiration and joy.
And many of us, particularly women, believe that we must constantly change ourselves rather than quitting abusive relationships or jobs, because according to current pop psychology, “everything around us is a reflection of ourselves.” (That phrase has always struck me as particularly egocentric and an example of poor boundaries.)
An awful lot of women stay in abusive relationships and jobs where they are undervalued, simply because they believe it is their responsibility to fix everything, or to work on themselves so that they can handle abuse more effectively. And ironically, for many there seems to be a schism between work and home life. Many women tolerate behavior from spouses that they would never tolerate on the job, and vice versa.
For many of us, removing ourselves from relationships, jobs, or places that don’t work for us may bring feelings of guilt and failure along with relief. We may think we should have tried harder as if relationships are a goal to be achieved, rather than an on-going process of connection between people who may have differing motivations and values. We may have tried everything we can think of to handle a job we loathe or a boss who doesn’t care, or a family member who does not respond to attempts to resolve issues.
While it is a sign of emotional maturity to ask what we may have contributed to a dysfunctional relationship or work environment, it is also mature to recognize when it is not our responsibility to fix something. Sometimes, that little word “no” can move mountains, relieve the weight of trying to fix someone else’s behavior, and lighten our life considerably. And if saying “no” seems too abrupt, phrases like,”that doesn’t work for me,” are fine too. And if we do feel guilty for having clear boundaries and taking care of ourselves, perhaps we need to think about messages we were taught about our own worth. There is a lot of power in saying no.
Self Worth
How much is your self worth anyway? Is it a measure of how much money you make, or how successful or useful you are, or how much others appreciate you? Is it dependent upon your level of physical fitness, health, or beauty? Is it based on your expertise, your service, your sense of humor, your optimism? The problem with self-worth being directed by external experience is there will always be differing opinions as to your value. In this country, if you are poor, physically or mentally ill, elderly, female, born into certain religions, or a person of color, you have been devalued before you drew breath.
How then, do you value yourself?
Recently someone who knows I’m coming up on the anniversary of my daughter’s death, told me to cheer up, because she didn’t want to feel sad. I didn’t remember asking her to join me in sorrow, but all I said was, “No, I’m going to go ahead and feel sad right now.” And I understood that she didn’t want to be with those emotions. That’s a choice we all make every day, what and whom we choose to be around, what we want to experience.
And in that moment of deciding it was fine to feel sad even if she wasn’t okay with it, I realized that since Maia died, I have been taking care of other’s feelings around her death, simply because they don’t seem to know how. I have been trying to make death more comfortable for everyone else. And I’m tired. I’m tired of “being strong,” and “together,” as if my value is based upon how much I don’t emote all over other people. Sometimes I want to howl loudly in public, or wail for hours like they do in other cultures. I imagine many bereaved people feel this way. Continue reading
Dealing With Disappointment
Many people tell me that they knew something was supposed to happen, a relationship, a career opportunity, or some kind of success, and then it didn’t. And this is after they hired a coach, did self-growth work, saw a therapist, practiced every manifesting idea they could, and followed all the “right steps” toward their goal. They got education, assistance, and even looked at what might be blocking them. They were even willing to sacrifice comfort and financial stability for a time.
Not everyone makes it to the Olympics or winds up on Broadway. And sometimes the people who do aren’t even as talented or skilled as the ones who don’t. Why is this? In the US, we usually blame people for their lack of success, rather than looking at privilege and access to opportunities. For example, being born into a family in which a certain access is already established, like show business, makes establishing an acting career much easier. We often see children of famous writers getting writing contracts at fairly young ages, and so on.
A business professor looked around the class and told us that only ten percent of us would have successful businesses, not because we didn’t get good grades or couldn’t do accounting or anything like that, but because business was fundamentally dealing with people day in and day out. He said many people aren’t good at communicating, and having good people skills was one of the most important things for success in business. How often are people skills taught in school?
I know a dentist who wanted to be a pro baseball player, but he couldn’t run very fast no matter how many miles he logged, how much he worked out, and how hard he tried. He said it was devastating to have to give up that dream. It was a turning point in his life not only to have to work towards another career, but to also find out what he was like when he was thwarted. He said dealing with that disappointment was the single most important experience of his life. He had to figure out who he was when things didn’t go his way. And as he later found out, no matter how competent you are, things often don’t go the way you would like and expect.Continue reading